Sometimes I listen to certain comments from pastors and motivational speakers, and I’m honestly alarmed. I find myself thinking, “What if someone actually believes this?”
I’m not someone who claims to be an authority on love or relationships. Why? Because I tend to believe that what people talk about or emphasize the most often reflects what they lack—except when it comes to God. For example, if someone constantly talks about money, they may not have it. If someone keeps emphasizing respect, it might be because they feel they lack it. Scripture says, “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks,” and “where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.” That’s just my perspective.
I once heard a popular pastor say, “Never marry a woman who is not established—one who has done nothing for God or herself.” Immediately, my mind went to his own wife, who spent over 15 years as a housewife raising their children. In fact, as of 2024, she had only recently gone back to school—an institution run by the pastor’s own family.
I’ve also seen a well-known Nigerian banker, formerly Muslim, convert to Christianity and begin preaching and advising women. My point is this: a woman—especially within marriage—can become many things over time. That’s why the man, like Christ, is described as a builder.
So I’m not triggered by what was said, but I question it.
Then I heard a woman share that God made her wait two years before her “God-ordained spouse” came, and that she served in church during that time. In my mind, I thought: it was Jacob who served to obtain a wife (Genesis 29:20). So why are we now framing service to God as a pathway to marriage?
Whatever we do for God, and the sake of the gospel should be between us and God. We don’t serve God to secure outcomes like marriage—we serve Him to align with His will. I know people will say Ruth was working Boaz Vinyard, it’s a cultural thing again to marry within the Jewish family as custom, and why didn’t we say Queen Esther married a Jew. (Custom). You can serve or not serve in a church and still marry right according to Gods will. I even know many church people that do crazy things outside the church….no two story is the same, it’s as saying Adam met his wife in a church rather than in Eden (the presence of God) or Hannah met her husband in a church. Jacob met Racheal by a well why not in the tabernacle or temple.
Scripture says it is God’s will that we prosper and be in good health, even as our soul prospers (3 John 1:2). It also says the kingdom of God here on earth is his will which is righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit (Romans 14:17). And we are instructed to give thanks in all circumstances as it’s his will (1 Thessalonians 5:18).
Marriage itself was created for a purpose—to reflect Christ and the Church. But it is not a universal mandate. Scripture clearly states that not everyone is called to marry (Matthew 19:10–12; 1 Corinthians 7:7–9).
So when people keep prescribing formulas for marriage, it becomes problematic. No two marriages are the same. People may share similar experiences, but their behaviors, identities, and even fingerprints are different. Each person has a unique identity in Christ, so you cannot model your marriage entirely after someone else’s.
It’s unrealistic—and sometimes misleading—for people to create rigid rules like: “Don’t marry a woman who isn’t established” or “avoid anyone with family baggage.” That’s not sound doctrine.
You can advise people on who to look out for in marriage but telling someone exactly who to marry goes beyond human authority. The only clear instruction Scripture gives is: “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers” (2 Corinthians 6:14). That’s why since Adam blaming God that it is the woman you gave to me, God never picked a spouse for man again.
Paul also writes that if someone cannot manage their own household, how can they care for God’s church? (1 Timothy 3:5). That places priority on personal responsibility before public ministry.
And regarding women, Scripture says: “Their wives likewise must be dignified, not slanderers, but sober-minded, faithful in all things” (1 Timothy 3:11). It does not say she must be “established,” physically perfect, or meet cultural standards of success.
So where are all these extra requirements coming from?
In all honesty, I don’t consider myself religious, and I’m cautious about what I’d call “churchianity.” The Church exists to serve Christ’s purpose: to win souls, encourage believers to remain in Him, comfort the broken, and care for the poor and widows—not to promote human standards or personal ideologies.